Balloons.

I stopped talking to him. I don't think it's possible to stay friends with him anymore. The situation we have crept upon is utterly too threatening for this mending heart. I'm sure everyone saw this coming. There is no going around this feeling him and I both share. There is the choice of accepting it, or there is the choice of turning around and starting fresh. Explore new territory, if so to speak.

This time around the second option sounds a lot more appealing.

Thank God.

Surprised? Me too.

After a while, no matter how happy someone can make you feel... You realize that this bit of happiness is not but a balloon out of reach. It is stuck to the ceiling where you will forever involuntarily acknowledge it's being. There are many balloons available to you but they do nothing but bore and keep you busy. The only reason you want the other one so badly is because you know you can't have it. It is not until the balloon gently floats down beside you that you realize what you have been admiring from afar. But by then it's appeal has seeped through the latex and you realize that it was nothing more than another balloon. Or maybe not?

Who knows... I sure as hell don't.

Learning things the hard way

Do you ever find yourself lost in the past with no sight of present time?

In fact, so uncomfortable with life's routine you become infatuated with the unpredictable?

Everything I thought I wanted is temporarily second priority.

I'm unhappy because i cant choose between what I know will work and what won't.

All answers have become questions.

What do you do when everyone tells you the same advice over and over again?

Turn to no one but yourself?

They aren't telling me what I want to hear and their opinion won't change no matter how many times I defend the argument. At least their opinion doesn't change as rapidly as mine does.

Do I trust my gut? Or "common sense" brought on by friends and family?

My mind has drowned in doubt and my insides filled with concern.

In my opinion, it's nice to hear the thoughts of others on certain matters but as someone said earlier to me this week... Sometimes people need to learn things the hard way.

And thats what I think i'm going to do.

Wish me luck.

What now?

What do you do when the first person you dated so happens to be the only person you ever want to spend the rest of your life with?

If it's meant to be, It'll happen. That's what everyone says. But how much trust can you hold to this saying without really knowing? Is it worth the gamble?

It has been admitted to me, that this was the position of another at one point in time. Now, how would you react to such a confession?

Was it even appropriate?

With no promise for future. No action for change. Is he really a different person from a year ago? How different can people become in such a short period of time?

I sort of like the drama of current situations. Can't lie. Im in a relationship and here I am talking to my Ex. I know karma is gonna kick me in the face sooner or later but as I hear the steps draw nearer I do nothing but smile because i'm slightly crazy.

haha What time is it? Oh right, 2:21AM.

What is it like to be Amanda Soriano?

It's like reading a book over and over again. This story is about young love. Two people finding their theoretical soul mates years too early. It takes place a year ago, a couple months ago, weeks, days and even hours ago. So repetitious yet no drop of fascination is lost in it's pages. Every time I read this story I always find myself falling and falling until I reach and hit the ground that is reality.

I have dated enough people after him and cannot seem to start a new tale.

Is it unfair to bring in new characters and stir them right into my messy plot? Whatever, like i really care. Haha.

What the hell is love but a game.

Independent

I have a bit of a situation.

I got into a fight with my mom a couple days ago and her and I aren't speaking to eachother. Sad part is, it's over something I don't think I need to apologize for. What keeps ringing in the back of my head is exactly what she said when this whole war started. "Never speak to me again." Really mom? Alright, be one of those mothers who goes days, weeks, months without speaking to your daughter.

If an apology is really what you want, then expect a very hollow one. Just so your happy.

Eventually I'll hand over the flag just because it's obvious to me that she just wants to be right.

If I told you exactly why she was mad, all it would do is make her look stupid, which she isn't.

Her problem is that i'm growing up and she cant accept the fact that I don't need her as much as she'd like anymore. I know what's important and what has higher priority in my life. I don't need her to dictate my daily routines. Funny thing is, I've been "on my own" for most of my life already. Now that she has time off work she thinks things are going to be different. Well reality check, I've been doing more than fine without your guidance.

I'm not saying i need her of my life. That would be the last thing I'd like. What I really need is for her to calm down and give me space to grow.

The Beginning

"Keep a journal, and someday it will keep you."

What alot of people don't know about me is that i really enjoy keeping a journal. I have entries dating back to when i was 10 years old attending parties with pinjatas and pin the tail on the donkey. Point is, it's always been a hobbie of mine. Currently, i'm a little inspired by sherrys awesome blogspot to start my own public journal. Which i guess wont be as interesting as some of my livejournal posts, but its your choice to read this or not. What i like best about having a journal is going through old entries and just laughing. As weird as that may sound, i like the feeling of knowing something that bothered me so much at one point can be considered laughable. Make sense? Because my livejournal is definitely my go to site when i feel the slightest bit miserable... say what you want but writing down your thoughts really clears your head. Sometimes it's just fun to reminisce too.

While your here i guess i could tell you more about myself.

I just turned 19 and im super excited to take full advantage of that this year. I've been told on numerous occasions that im a little too random for my own good. I love people for the most part. I believe in God, Karma and that everything happens for a reason. I'm a terrible liar and many people find that comforting. I can't help myself from saying things in my head and it puts me in uncomfortable situations everyday of my life! I have terrible jokes that usually makes people laugh. Like vampires (true blood), puns are my favorite type of joke. My room is a great example of whats going on in my mind. I have a box full of sentimental items that i keep in my desk which i will never part with. I have fully accepted the fact that im an awkward person and run with it. I do the breathing laugh during movies and i have no idea why! Marley and Me was the saddest movie I've ever seen. I'm super sensative when people make fun of my leg but alot of people don't know that either. Seeing people cry usually makes me cry. I pray before going to sleep and sometimes talk to my grandparents who have died out loud. I know i laugh to much and i don't care because i have recently stopped working out and its currently one of the only things keeping me from becoming obese. So, suck it (ahahhha). I usually make really bad decisions when it comes to guys so i usually just ask Jesse (the bestfriend) what to do because for some odd reason he is always right. I'd rather listen to piles of CDs than watch TV. It's what I'm doing right now actually. Like my dad, i always think of the worst case scenario but unlike him i don't really care about them.

I could go on forever that's how bored i am right now. But i won't because no one wants to read a novel on the internet. Ask me whatever you'd like i have no real secrets.

:)